Hope

You know, hope is never something I’ve really had. I mean, I’ve said to people “I hope things get better” or “I hope you have a good time” but I’ve done so only because it’s a nice thing to say, the only thing to say in some cases if you’re going to say anything. Yet I’ve never actually held hope for others or myself, to me from a very early age hope was equal to disappointment. Things would happen or they wouldn’t, would go well or poorly and more often than not hoping for any particular outcome was ultimately fruitless.
So I’ve made my way through life without hope. Even when I was unemployed and growing more and more desperate every day I never thought to myself “I hope I hear back from that job”, I just put my apps in and if I got a call, great, but if not then I just had to put more out there or else. Hope was never part of the equation. I don’t even hope for better, I just do my best and I get what I get. That’s how the world works. Even with my kids, I don’t hope they do well. I give my best, try to teach them what I know, tell them not to make the same mistakes I’ve made but ultimately, their fortunes are theirs. Mostly when it comes to them I just gave fear, knowing what I do of life. I fear what this world will do to them, how it’s going to crush down on them and put out the light in their eyes. Fuck, I don’t even have hope for humanity really, the more I see all I get is the same behaviors that have been perpetrated for millennia, new names perhaps, refining of concepts but all the same bullshit. If we honestly haven’t truly learned anything in all this time, where is there room for hope?
Now, all of the above was true, I basically thought hope was for suckers. I even wrote a poem about it somewhere on here if you care to look. It was true, but now, strangely, it isn’t. I have hope now. In fact, it kind of snuck up on me unexpectedly and metaphorically mugged my psyche. I wasn’t looking for it, but it found me and I find myself hoping for things. Now, normally if my brain allowed itself the faintest glimmer of hope, the “rational” majority of my mind would pitilessly squash it out. Lately though, I’ve found myself telling that part of me that gives me all the perfectly logical reasons why any given outcome is unlikely if not impossible to go piss up a rope. I find myself not giving even one fuck if all that I’m wanting will come to pass, I am just allowing myself to enjoy this feeling of lightness, being uplifted by the possibility regardless of logic or probabilities. It started off small, just hoping for one little thing, but it’s growing, spreading out roots and branches and slowly but surely I find myself hopeful.
Now, I’m not saying that just hoping is going to make miracles happen. I also don’t believe in magical bearded dudes in the clouds granting wishes. I know I’m going to have to work and struggle and fight for any of my hopes to come to pass and even giving my absolute all I know full well they may not, that disappointment and failure are always options. The thing is, I just don’t care any more. I do not care if I crash flaming into the ground and my whole world burns down. If it does, I tried my best, my hardest and I hoped for more.
Now, I know a lot of my faithful readers will be shocked by this, maybe to the point of sudden death. You all probably are overly familiar with my cynicism, my ongoing battles with clinical depression and anxiety. None of that has gone away really, it still lurks and I still fight it, I just have some better weapons perhaps. Where did all this come from you ask? It was a gift to be honest. A truly unexpected one, one I wasn’t looking for in the slightest, but probably one of the greatest gifts anyone has ever given me, even if they don’t realize that they did, that simply their existence is the gift. Like a lot of gifts, it’s fragile, but I’m trying to keep it whole. I say thank you every chance I get in as many ways as I can. It truly is a precious thing, what we call hope and I think from now on I will always appreciate its value, double edged as it may be.
So, for the very first time since I was a child I am hopeful. I bet money there are many who know me who had no hope for that. It just goes to show I guess.