I just don’t know what exactly I am doing any more.  Some of you out there who read this blog may have marveled at a post stating I am giving up writing being almost immediately followed up by a poem and I am kind of right along with you, I just have no idea what the fuck is going on.  I want to write, it has always been my way of comprehending the world, how I can process experience or emotion because it starts outside of me, then has to pass through me to get back out onto the page.  Lately though there has just been this kind of disconnect.  I can’t seem to touch my creativity any more, find that place in me where the words live.  Its more than just writer’s block, because when I think of writer’s block its more not having any ideas but I have ideas aplenty, I just seem to have lost the means to convey them.  It’s like being a victim of stroke and losing that part of the brain that contained your speech and having to train another part of your brain to speak again.  It’s not just in writing either, I am finding it harder and harder to articulate anything verbally.  Even when I have gone through long dry spells in my writing I have still just thought of phrases or conjunctions of words that were expressive, fragments that while I couldn’t find a home for them were still unique and expressive and vivid.  Those just don’t come any more.  What is even worse lately is that when confronted with any other form of creativity I almost cringe.  As many may know, I love music.  When I say “love” I really mean something I have never been able to express fully or completely with love just being something that comes even remotely close to what I want to say so that people can kind of understand what I mean.  Over the last few months however I have found I don’t want to listen to anything.  More than two or three songs in a row is about all I can handle where I used to be able to sit for hours doing nothing but listen.  I used to lay in my bedroom and play album after album after album doing nothing else but staring at my ceiling  and listening and I just can’t do it any more.  Its almost painful to hear the expression of others when I feel so inarticulate, so unable to touch anything close to that any longer.  People are probably tired of hearing me complain about this.  I am tired of hearing me complain about this but I just don’t know what to do.  I can’t give it up, but its almost like its given up me.  I know deep down that its not something that possesses you and then up and leaves but sometimes it just feels that way, like I had something in my hands for a brief, shining moment and now its gone.  Even this seems so pale and drab, just shadows, echoes and dust, the leftovers after the party has cleared out.  I don’t even have any purpose to writing this really, but if I don’t try then maybe nothing will come back and I will just be some guy who might have once had something to say.  I don’t want anyone’s pity, or sympathy or anything else really, that’s not why I am putting this out there.  I am just forcing myself to vocalize something real and internal, forcing it out of me because this anguish can’t just live inside of me any longer and I need to say something, anything before it chokes me.  I feel like I am dying, inches at a time every single day and I will have nothing to show for my life.  I don’t know what that even means but I wrote it, which is more than I have been able to do in a while.  This all doesn’t amount to much and just seems to echo someone else’s words that lately resound mightily in my mind…all sound and fury, signifying nothing.


One Response to “Inches”

  1. You need to find some level of agency in your life – or create it. Constantly feeling like you have no control is exhausting. I’m not sure how to put this, since it’s the kind of thing one comes to in one’s own time, but it’s about choosing to react differently. If the basic elements of your daily life cannot – or will not – change, then the only thing you can control is how you react to those elements, or interact with those people.
    I also know you hate advice, since you feel lectured, so just take this as a suggestion instead.
    And remember that choosing not to act is in itself a choice.
    Much love!

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