Last Post


There are times when I think that I have died and what I am seeing and feeling is just my brain not letting go.  Nothing ever seems to change and I really have no motivation to take action.  I feel disconnected a lot of the time, dull, numb, like I am watching some bland network T.V. show, not involved or engaged, just there, observing.  I don’t feel the way I used to, no strong feelings, no extremes or bright colours, just muted emotions.  I was at a get together last night, about seven people hanging out with music and booze and I just could not have fun.  I had three beers and just wanted to go home.  I don’t feel like I have anything in common with people any more, like they are just shapes with noise that surround me.  I used to feel things, be passionate but I just cannot muster up anything even close to that any more.  The nearest thing I can manage is a form of cynical anger but even that is more an ironic shaking of the head rather than a raising of a clenched fist.  I just don’t care, I really don’t.  Every day, all I really want is to make it to the next one, I have no ambition beyond that.  Even the things that used to move me can’t seem to offer any solace.  I used to be able to listen to music for hours upon end, just getting lost in all of the voices, the melodies, letting it wash over me like the ocean but now I can barely sit through twenty consecutive minutes.  I hardly read for enjoyment, mostly its just to kill time now.  I used to love watching movies, exploring different stories, getting excited about seeing something new but now if I do watch anything my choices are all just stuff I have seen before so I can basically turn my brain off for an hour or two with something that I know is at least mildly entertaining.  I don’t write any more really, because in order to create you have to have passion and be willing to expend effort and I have none and am not willing.  I feel like a ghost, just lingering about, drifting from here to there and back again.  I don’t even really feel sad.  People ask me if I am down or depressed and I am not really, I am just kind of here, there is no other way to explain it.  There’s nothing more to say really, because how much can you really say about nothing.  People might read this and think it is a cry for help, or that I am just lazy, that I need to grow up, that I am whining and wallowing in self pity.  They might think that, but I just don’t care what anybody thinks.  At all.  Ever.  It’s time to put all of this away, I just can’t keep pretending to be a writer when I don’t want to write.  That is all, goodnight.

Advertisements

One Response to “Last Post”

  1. Like you, I know my words will probably go unheeded and ultimately seem lacking. I know that place you are right now. I have been there many times in my life. You think I can’t possibly know, but I do. There are no words I can say that will inspire you to come from that place. You are the only one who can ‘choose’ to remain or not. The only thing I will say is that you chose to come here. You chose us. You have to remember why you came. You are right in saying what you see around you is like watching a play. It is part of ‘your play’, but only a part. You created your own existence. You came to do something for yourself and others you agreed to interact with. It is an eternal growing, learning, experiencing, not an earthly one. The greatest writers and musicians you most admire would be saddened that you have not gleened anything from their example.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: