Station Identification

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything and I have been feeling horribly lax in my vow to write every day.  Lately it seems like I just can’t motivate myself to do anything, which has always been a problem of mine.  I have been making some progress on the second chapter, although as I am writing it it seems like the end of the chapter keeps getting further and further away as each new idea leads to another and another until this may actually become the longest chapter in the history of English literature.  I just hope that when I finally do post it, that it will hold up to the first and that it will keep people interested in the story.  I am becoming quite fond of some of the characters I have created so far and I am really very excited to see where this tale will take me.  I have had probably thousands of ideas for various stories and novels over the years but none of them have quite fired my imagination like this one and I really believe I might be able to make it go the distance.

The first chapter has, I think, been the best thing I have written, ever.  I was so very proud of it when I posted it on here, I still am really.  There is one thing though that has been weighing on my mind ever since I started this blog.  I know that people are visiting it, I check the stats frequently and while I am sure there are a number of people that just browse over the homepage and leave it at that, there are others going to the various posts and what has been concerning me is the over all lack of response to my creative pieces.  One of my biggest fears ever since I started writing is to be a mediocre writer.  I don’t worry really about being a bad writer, there can still be a kind of perverse glory in being monumentally shitty at something but just keeping at it for no other reason than you like to do it.  No, what I really fear is that I am just, well, ok.  The number one response I have ever received any time I have shown my work to anyone is “that’s really good”.  It is encouraging to hear, especially when I was younger and needed that boost to keep at it.  Now however, that is the last thing I want to hear.  I think I would rather someone read something I wrote and eviscerate it, just tear it apart then to just be told that it’s good.  If someone hates my work, then at least I wrote something that was able to reach them, make them react on a visceral level with nothing but my words, even if it is a negative reaction.  That is what I want my words to do, reach someone, make them think, make them feel, make their world just a tiny bit different because they read something of mine and it did something for them.  That is my greatest fear, that I will never have done that as an author.

I don’t want to sound like I am whining or seeking praise, and I know that I may expect too much of the casual reader, but other than my direct family I have never been told that one of my poems or stories was able to reach someone.  I don’t really expect someone to come on here, read one of my pieces and feel the need to write a lengthy dissertation on it, preform a full literary analysis like it was a school assignment, but after all this time writing I would love to hear, just once, “poem X really made me happy/sad/think about things differently” or “I know exactly what you were trying to say with Y” even if they really don’t but the they think they do because they read it and it made sense to them on some level.  There are people who say that they write just for themselves, and I believe that is utter bullshit. If you create, if you are truly passionate about your expression in any medium, you are trying to speak to an audience.  That’s not to say that all artists are seeking praise, but I do believe that all artists ultimately want to be heard.  Writing is communication and to communicate you need at least two people and I so very much want to reach others with what I have to say and if I can’t do that, then maybe I should stop trying to say anything.  Maybe, in the end, I never really had anything important to say to begin with.  That is what keeps me scared, that I have poured so much of myself into something that I am just not that good at, that all of my passion is just kind of “meh”.

So, there is my thought for the day.  I hope when I post this I don’t sound like a whimpering gob shite just begging for attention, but it has been on my mind very much of late and I just had to get the thoughts out and onto the screen, put them out there so that they don’t strangle me, try to drown me in this tide of self doubt.  Who knows, maybe this is that one piece someone will read and say “yeah, I feel that way too, maybe I am not so alone…”


6 Responses to “Station Identification”

  1. MoniMoni98 Says:

    LOL I started school a couple weeks ago, so I haven’t had much time to comment on the things you have been writing. Don’t stop now. I especially like when you go off on some wierd bent, all the rambling you do. I feel like that alot of the time. I’m just not good at putting it down in words. The first chapter of your book is the kind of thing I look for in the bookstore, so it’s great to read one that is in progress. Epics are my favorites, and it’s kind of like a mini-epic the way you post a little at a time. I look forward to seeing the next chapter, Hurry up! Your doing a great job, keep it up.

    • I was wondering where you had been the last little while, glad to hear you’re starting school. I’m pleased that you are getting something from all of this, and I promise I will have the next installment done shortly. 🙂

  2. Kurt Vonnegut said, “Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia. ”
    I think it’s less about being all selfish and uncaring of what the world thinks, but more about having a sturdy core of self-assurance that your words spill out from. It’s similar to the “cool” person – people are attracted to him/her because it seems that attraction doesn’t matter to him/her. So, it’s not that you’re writing for no one, but that you’re writing as though it doesn’t matter whether or not anyone reads it. Does that make sense?

    • Ultimately though, you are writing hoping that someone reads it, why else take the time to put it down on paper rather than just being content with the thoughts as they exist in your head? When you write you are trying to communicate something, an emotion, an idea, or just to entertain and in order to accomplish this, SOMEONE has to read what you have written. You may not necessarily care if it is well received or not, but you still want an audience, even if its just an audience of one. Even in that quotation, Vonnegut hints that it is like making love, and its not making love with only one person, you need at least one other, and that is who you are writing for, that one other. I never write for an “audience”, that idea some authors have of picturing an imaginary ideal group of people and then writing what you think would best please them. I write to create my own audience, putting down onto paper what I think is moving, or thought provoking, or entertaining and hoping it will find its way into the hands of those that might think the same. But in order to get any audience, even an audience of just one, I have to be able to reach them, my words have to mean something to them and I don’t feel that as of this date I have ever written well enough to have reached any one single person on that level. That’s what I was trying to convey, that even once, on an intimate level I was able with my words to really speak to someone. It may in fact be only one person, but I would like to know if I have ever made love to someone through fiction.

  3. blackwatertown Says:

    I liked the first chapter.
    I want a second chapter.
    More please.
    That’s how much I liked it.

    • I am working on it, really I am, it’s just taking longer this time as I am thinking more about it, if that makes any sense at all. With the first chapter, I just started off with this vague idea and wrote the whole thing in about two hours all told on my lunch break and in between calls at work. This one is more deliberate and is causing me far more trouble because I am thinking more about plot and how everything needs to fit together. I am getting close though, so your patience will be rewarded. I am pleased that there is some desire to hear more so I will do my best to have it done in a day or two. Thanks for continuing to be a faithful repeat poster, cheers.

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