…films about ghosts…

…films about ghosts…

by Matthew Brewes on Friday, July 13, 2007 at 7:41pm

…this memory thing has got me obsessed lately. Nothing has so much power as a memory. It holds within it a piece of your idenity, that looking back you see this little picture of something you said, or did, or didn’t do and this goes on to inform your choices and actions for the rest of your life. People are always saying to leave the past in the past, but how can one do that and ever claim to learn anything. If experience is the best teacher, and experience is contained within memory, how could one abandon these lessons ? The past gets crowded with all these bits and pieces of experience and no matter how much you try to fight it, they send creeping little fingers out into your present and future, even if you aren’t concious of it. How many choices have I made because I didn’t want to do what I did last time ? Or do want to do this time, just do it better, or even avoid the point which brought the choice or action the last time entirely by not doing, or doing a set of actions or choices that brought about the event that I’m trying to avoid. See what I mean, fucked up is it not ? Almost to the point of incoherence, which is the point I seem to stand on the brink of most of the time. My memories sometimes seem more real than the life I’m living. I swear to god sometimes, when I get lost in my own head, I’m right back where I was and a lot of the time my stupid mind drags me back to places non to pleasant. I’ve started up in the middle of crowded places just like I had woken up from a nightmare in the bright light of day because my ghosts are there with me, whispering, cajoling, tormenting…I really wish I could let go…I’d probably be a great deal happier if I could bury these loved/hated dead and walk away clean…I sometimes think that this perverse little part of me doesn’t want me to allow myself to be pain free, like the only way I can function sometimes is to be in some form of self inflicted, castigating misery. the line once was “if dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts”…then I’m watching that film strapped to a chair wearing the Clockwork Orange headgear…anyway, I hope this doesn’t cause any alarm…pay no mind to these, the diseased wanderings of a depply disturbed individual…they bear no relevance nor substance, nor mor meaning than a desperate attempt to verbalize some things that I find too deep to put into plain words…so, at this point, I will cease my rantings, and put myself back in the rubber walled room, turn the key and wander back into the comfortable haze of my delusions…I may write more, when I find my way back again…

via …films about ghosts….


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